Father's Day

Father's Day


holidays like this
can be meaningless
or hopeless

they seem to
honor an
opportunity
more than an
achievement
or sanctification
of an event

memories of
moments past
lost in a world
of dark corridors
echoing hallways

inside rooms with
locked doors
living in your
own consequences

not having any
idea where one
another were or
existed in this
upside down world

fighting to stay alive
through sleepless nights
in tenements and
abandoned buildings

trying to control
a monster inside
the heart
inside the head
inside the mind
inside the soul

trying not to die
or kill again

losing control

crying tears into
pillows and sleeves
under tight control
that is losing
its grip

trying to keep
it together
on the outside
so no one notices

just drinking and
smoking and shooting
and fighting and fucking
the bad feeling away
as it claws at your back
rips through your mind
tears at your soul

regrets and sorrows and pain
combined with all of the
selfishness and hurt and the
ignorance of not knowing
if it matters anyway

keeping a flame burning
for an unknown result

not sure what it means
or what it meant in an
unknown location to
an unknown person

a child you never got
to see on proper terms
except in your mind
before the guards called
lights out for one more
restless night or in a
state of delusion and
confusion that was self
induced and prescribed
like you knew the cure
for what ailed you
so well
but this will do in its stead

all those years built up high
like the sides of your grave

each year you sink deeper

further from hope and
some type of redemption

the light diminishing
somewhere near the opening
that gets smaller at the top

until one day the phone
finally rings you awake
as a child who is now grown
wishes you a happy day

it is a new day
it is a new life
like you never thought
it would be again

you hold on to
the phone
for a long
moment
after you say
your good byes

you know the
world helped you
you accepted it
you surrendered to it

this is what you
never understood before
when people talked quietly
in a hushed voice and soft tone
about the word
blessing

you finally get it