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Monday, November 22, 2010

In The Grand Scheme Of Things


In The Grand Scheme Of Things


I threw a few things in my time

projectiles launched in futility

arcing through the sky

at phalanx of uniforms

at vehicles of authority

at windows of institutions

I backed up this sentiment

day in and day out

fuck your hamster wheel jobs

in your habitrail world

I knew I was not gonna win

any major battles

let alone a single victory

pretty early on

bruising from handcuffs

swelling from contusions

staring down gun barrels

getting lost in the paperwork system

way past your release date

this really drove my choices

the impossibility

of the rat maze

made probation and parole

a very unattractive option

I became expatriate in my own country

drifting in and out of different levels

of what seemed like such righteous

anger as I was affected by the outcome

of the course of action that leadership

of consequence had chosen

with no feeling of connection

or sense of potency in my

diminished position

as an anarchist of situation

as a marginal existence

forced to bow at the throne

whenever captured

avoiding capture

became paramount

to living life at all

I was driven by fear and hatred

into internal conflicts so deep

into internal darkness so engulfing

into internal sensations of hypocrisy

that were so shameful and revealing

about my selfish nature

I drove myself deeper into poverty and addiction

just get away from the reality that only seemed

to lead back to suicide as a logical solution

as a noble solution

over and over again

facing myself and my fears

willing myself back into the fight

getting defeated again

more drugs more crimes

the only answer that seemed to work

not the only option I had

but you go with what works

just like the corporate elite

just like the presidents and prime ministers

just like the senators, governors, mayors, generals, lawyers,

advertisers, pimps, gangsters, chefs, cooks, police, coaches

the guardians of packaged righteousness in all forms

they will laugh as they make you take it all back

they will mock your whole life and the lives of

your closest dead loved ones

as they demand your capitulation

as they demand your final allegiance

you might find yourself

contemplating their hypocritical oath

bending against the last of your broken will

you will bow down to them

you will adopt their ways and means

you will join their teams and systems

on some level you will have to

you have to win at some point

I know I had to

even though I am still waiting for the

final results on that decision

shrugging my shoulders

wondering

how bad could it really be?

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